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The first time I saw the signs that it was over, we were sitting on my couch. We had been together for a year and a half at this point, but things weren’t really going well. He started to say something about how he couldn’t see himself with me in five years and all of these other little stories about our relationship- the best thing is when you start thinking back on memories there’s always some bad stuff! I remember knowing what he might be saying before him even finishing his sentence because there are moments where you know someone so deeply that you can just sense their thoughts..
I became cold hearted and cruel as soon as those words came out because I knew they meant nothing anymore; like every feeling inside of me was tired and worn out.
Somehow he managed to finish his sentence, but I didn’t hear anything that came after it because the moment had already passed- my mind kind of went blank for a second before returning back to reality where we were sitting on my couch not looking at each other.
For some reason or another he started talking again about how things would never work between us; like there’s nothing more left to say so what are you waiting around for? It wasn’t until then when someone lit up inside of me realizing I couldn’t sit here anymore while this person who has been such an important part of my life talked all these horrible words. He could see in my eyes that something changed too and just as I was about to finally say something he said “okay, I’m sorry. You’re right.”
I don’t know what it is that makes me stay with people who have hurt me so much- but every time someone says they are leaving my life I can feel myself start to panic and try anything in order to keep them around. Maybe deep down this person has always been the one for me and just needed some more time before things could work out between us? But no matter how many times we break up or come back together again nothing changes because there’s too much damage done from all of our fights. Every day his texts become shorter and less frequent until eventually they stopped coming altogether; like an inevitable thing waiting on its own end.
The way he made me feel was real and beautiful for a while- but that doesn’t mean we weren’t both using each other. He hurt me the same way I had hurt him, only to be told “okay, I’m sorry” lly say something he said “okay, I’m sorry. You’re right.” What’s wrong with admitting when you are at fault? It’s hard enough getting over someone without feeling like you have no stake in it either; as if your feelings don’t matter and they can just do what they want because there’s nothing stopping them from hurting anyone else anymore. When things end people always try to tell us how quickly time will heal all wounds or that our minds will play tricks on us. I don’t want to be told that it will get better when they are the ones who have to look at me as if this is my fault- like a villain in their story, because there’s an ending
I’m not really sure how anyone can ever truly move on from someone else. It doesn’t just happen and yet we’re all guilty of taking other people for granted eventually. When you think about it, isn’t “moving on” kind of another way of saying “you should stop caring?” He was careless with our relationship but he wasn’t always so callous; somewhere along the line something changed him into someone indifferent to love or anything resembling intimacy. This pattern continued until his actions finally lost meaning and then suddenly I found myself alone.
I’m not sure if there is a point to all of this and I don’t really know how it will end but for now, my heart remains in pieces- still waiting on something that may never come at the hands of someone who made me feel loved until they no longer wanted anything more than just another pretty face to look past once again with feigned indifference.
The words are spilling out like blood or tears because what do you say when your life has become one long wound? What can I possibly tell him about forgiveness when he’s acted as an agent of destruction every time he said “it’ll be alright” ? And yet somehow here we both are, tired from fighting through shattered glass only so often enough to convince ourselves that everything is alright, when we both know it isn’t.
I’m not sure if there is a point to all of this and I don’t really know how it will end but for now, my heart remains in pieces- still waiting on something that may never come at the hands of someone who made me feel loved until they no longer wanted anything more than just another pretty face to look past once again with feigned indifference. The words are spilling out like blood or tears because what do you say when your life has become one long wound? What can I possibly tell him about forgiveness when he’s acted as an agent of destruction every time he said “it’ll be alright”? And yet somehow here we both are, tired souls wearing masks to the end.
I’m not sure if there is a point to all of this and I don’t really know how it will end but for now, my heart remains in pieces- still waiting on something that may never come at the hands of someone who made me feel loved until they no longer wanted anything more than just another pretty face to look past once again with feigned indifference. The words are spilling out like blood or tears because what do you say when your life has become one long wound? What can I possibly tell him about forgiveness when he’s acted as an agent of destruction every time he said “it’ll be alright”? And yet somehow here we both are, tired souls wearing masks to the end. They’ve been torn to shreds and I’ve been left with nothing but the bitter taste of regret as we count down towards an inevitable end.
I may not know how it will all turn out or even if there is any point in continuing on this journey, but for now my heart remains fragmented- still waiting on someone who won’t come at the hands of a man who made me feel loved until he no longer wanted anything more than just another pretty face to look past once again with feigned indifference. The words are spilling out like blood or tears because what do you say when your life has become one long wound? What can I possibly tell him about forgiveness when he’s acted as agent destruction every time he said “it’ll be alright”? And how do I even begin to make sense of my own heart when it’s been more than a year and he still has the power to hurt me? The answer is that I’m not sure how to heal. All I know for certain is that there are better men out there, but they’re getting harder and harder to find as we both become damaged goods in need of repair or new beginnings which may never come because then what would be left? Love will only take you so far before it becomes something else- maybe addiction, obsession, madness..I don’t know anymore. And all along reds was just waiting on an endgame where she could finally get closure from someone who refuses to let her go without destroying any chance at happiness
