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When you’re in a relationship, sometimes your spouse will say things that hurt. It’s easy to react defensively or walk away when they do this – but is it always the right thing to do? In this blog post, we’ll discuss how to turn negative comments into positive feedback and make your marriage better than ever.
The first step to turning negative comments into positive feedback is understanding the underlying cause. Have you taken a look at how your spouse talks to others? If they’re overly critical or use words like “never” and “always,” it’s important that you address these behaviors with them directly. The goal of this conversation should be for both partners to walk away feeling heard, loved, and validated – not more frustrated than before.
Next time one of those moments occurs where your partner says something hurtful, try using reflective listening as a technique. When they say an unkind remark towards you or someone else in front of you (like their boss), repeat back what was said using different words without adding any emotion or judgmental tone. This will allow them a chance to hear what they said, and offer an opportunity for them to correct their behavior.
This also helps with managing your own emotions in the moment as you’re more focused on saying back exactly what was said than how it makes you feel. If they continue lashing out (which is possible), try stating that this conversation isn’t going where either of you want it to go, so take a break from discussing whatever set off the disagreement until later when both parties are ready. The key is finding ways to show empathy without taking things personally or getting defensive – after all, we can only control our actions but not those of others.
This will allow them a chance to hear what they said, and offer an opportunity for them to correct their behavior. This also helps with managing your own emotions in the moment as you’re more focused on saying back exactly what was said than how it makes you feel. If they continue lashing out (which is possible), try stating that this conversation isn’t going where either of you want it to go, so take a break from discussing whatever set off the disagreement until later when both parties are ready. The key is finding ways to show empathy without taking things personally or getting defensive – after all, we can only control our actions but not those of others.
Our spouse may not always be trying to hurt us on purpose, but that doesn’t mean it feels any less awful when they do. It’s important for spouses to know how their words are affecting the other person as this will help them take responsibility and grow closer in time.
While we can’t control what others say or do, there are a few ways you can show empathy even with difficult remarks: try repeating back exactly what your spouse has said so they hear themselves realizing the consequences of their actions; ask questions about why they feel that way instead of arguing over who is right or wrong (remembering not to take things personally); practice self-care by taking a break from discussing whatever set off the disagreement until later when both parties are calm.
The post You Make Me Sick Is Your Spouse’s Opinion or a Verbal Attack? appeared first on The Gottman Institute Blog – Building Connections Between Couples and Families Worldwide.
If your spouse criticizes you in front of friends, family members, or even strangers, it can be difficult to know how to respond. When we’re criticized by someone close to us, our thoughts often turn toward retaliation tactics as an appropriate response: returning the criticism back with force; withdrawing from conversations and social events where this behavior is repeated; refusing sex for weeks at a time (sometimes until they apologize). But these are all short-term solutions that cause more harm than good over time because they don’t fix anything–they just make your spouse angrier and you more resentful.
This blog post provides five reasons why it’s important to not retaliate when your spouse says hurtful things, even if they’re meant as a verbal attack:
It teaches them how to be kinder in the future by modeling positive behavior during these interactions -Negative comments often stem from our spouses’ fear of losing us or anger that no matter what we do, we can’t please them 100% of the time -When couples are able to separate criticism from their relationship with each other overall, then both parties feel less attacked because this type comment is only seen for its single moment -Criticism does not have any weight unless you give it power over you–it is often the case that we project our feelings of self-worth and identity onto others–even if they’re not telling you directly -When spouses are still angry, it’s important to communicate this verbally in a way that doesn’t escalate the situation
The even more upsetting thing about these hurtful comments is when they come from someone who loves us unconditionally. When your spouse says something mean or critical, it can feel like an attack on everything else good in your life. But turning negative comments into positive feedback can be done by modeling how to behave during those bad moments with positive behavior. The key here is for one person to give and receive criticism without making judgments about their partner’s character:
Example One: “I am feeling hurt by what you said”
Example Two: “You’re right, I haven’t been taking our finances as seriously lately. Let me tell you about my plan to get back on track.”
The more gentle and loving the communication becomes after a negative comment, the easier it is for spouses to change their behavior in response. This type of verbal acknowledgement goes beyond words and actually acknowledges feelings both positive and negative. Not all responses have to be received with agreement – sometimes just saying something like “I hear how this made you feel,” can defuse an argument before it escalates into violence or abuse. And remember that when they are still angry, we should communicate verbally in a way that doesn’t escalate the situation.
Not all responses have to be received with agreement – sometimes just saying something like “I hear how this made you feel” can defuse an argument before it escalates into violence or abuse. When they are still angry, we should communicate verbally in a way that doesn’t escalate the situation.
And remember that when they are still angry, we should communicate verbally in a way that doesn’t escalate the situation. This type of verbal acknowledgement goes beyond words and actually acknowledges feelings both positive and negative. Not all responses have to be received with agreement – sometimes just saying something like “I hear how this made you feel” can defuse an argument before it escalates into violence or abuse. The best way to interact with a spouse who is feeling bad about themselves and negative towards us is by showing them, through action and words, that we are still there for them in their time of need. Saying something like “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” will tell the other person that we want to make things better, even when they don’t deserve it. The best way to interact with a spouse who is feeling bad about themselves and negative towards us is by showing them–through action and word–that we are still there for them in their time of need. Say something like: “I’m sorry I hurt
